And I Can't Stop Having These Visions

A look inside the madness of my mind--sports, politics or daily life--with humor and pop culture and music references embedded.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Onion Genocide

Those that know me know I love grill/cookout/ballpark food. About two and a half years ago, I blogged about how the stove in my house didn't work, so I bought a grill. There were many cookouts held on the porch, with the staples of hamburgers and hot dogs. And of course if you are having a hot dog, you need 2 toppings--Stadium Mustard, and Onions. (An obvious exception can be made if there is chili available, although most chili dogs include onions and ballpark mustard actually compliments the chili nicely.)

On the fourth of July, I made hot dogs, ate Lays Potato Chips, and drank a Refreshing Ice Cold Fountain Coca-Cola Classic... The Most American Meal EVER. Hell, I even mentioned via my mobile blog that We Aren't in Cleveland when I went to Winter Haven for a spring training game because of the lack of Stadium Mustard. Thus, my position on hot dogs is very well established.

So this past Wednesday, former VS coworker of mine and Red Sox fan Jess invited me to go see the Red Sox/Indians game in Cleveland. I may have to blog about the game later, because it was one of the 5 best games I've been to even though the Tribe lost.

But anyways, when I go to a baseball game, I need two things--a hot dog, and a pretzel. So around the fifth inning, we decide to go get the foodstuffs, and go to the concession stand near our seats. After getting the food, I go to the condiment stand looking for the onions and ballpark mustard. There's 4 big containers... ketchup, mustard, ballpark bustard, and EVEN Mayo?!... but that's it. I look high and low, walk around the entire pillar, go down to the next condiment stand... No onions. I'm completely baffled, but said screw it and figure it'll just be something to bitch about later.

After the Indians bullpen manages to blow it and then lose in extra innings, we go back to the parking garage to go home. Jess starts to go through the little mini-program that has the rosters and stadium information in it. She turns the page and finds this heading:

Hmm well, that's convenient. And what's that little subtext right below it?

Hah. That's smart. Put Hot Dogs at every concession stand at a baseball game. What a novel concept. But this doesn't solve the quandry of why there are no onions... until we get down to the H's in the alphabetcal listing...

WTF? There are only onions at 4 places in the ballpark? Are you kidding me? The only proper response I can think of is to break back out Sound 7!

I realize it's improper, but I'm simply at a loss for words for how you can only put onions in 4 places (And being at a loss for words does not a good blog make). I didn't realize Swine Flu could be transferred via onion, and I can't think of any other possible reason to perform a onion genocide at the ballpark.

So Progressive Field, I implore you. Bring back the Onions, the final touches on the American Baseball Game Meal. I realize no one goes to your games (according to ESPN, the attendence was 19,137 - under 45% of capacity). At times, I felt like there was about a 5:1 food worker to fan ratio. BUT the team never sacrifices (grumble Eric Wedge), why must you sacrifice the mass distribution of onions?

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